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My crowning achievement in life
When I was still only a kid my mum won the highly cavorted Woman Own’s ‘I have the worst son in the world award’, it was stiff competitions but I came up worst. The two things that clinched it for me: firstly my mum had this huge record collection in this big wooden chest that she loved dearly so one day when she was doing something else, I snuck in and spread the record over the floor and started using them as stepping stones just jumping around on them ruining a large number of them. Now this is where she made a mistake, she went nuts and got really annoyed at me. And I was a bitter child, so when she went asleep, I snuck down stair opened up her chest and shat over the entire collection. But that not my favourite, this is my favourite. When I was a kid in summer we use have these wasps’ traps, which consisted of an old jam jar fill with water and a bit of jam at the bottom. So the wasps would fly into jar and drown. One summer I got really bored and start fishing the wasps out then cutting them up and super gluing them together, To create SUPER WASP, my first attempt and genetic engineering, A hundred odd dead wasps dicepted and stuck together in a huge ball. I must of have some of Frankenstein monster concept going. Where I would attact it too some kind gothic device and then after lighting struck, I would have my very own loyal, if not slightly fuck up pokamon type pet, and not at all a large bunch of really fucked off, confused wasps. But all I actually did with it was to take it too school hit the other kids in the playground, until a dinner lady confiscated it. Now for all this we won an all-inclusive holiday to Blackpool leisure beach, which was absolute fantastic. Unfortunately It took me another year to figure out no matter how many time, I piss on dad or generally abused the family pets, their was absolutely no way I was going to Disney World. I worked in insurance for years and the concept really, really, annoyed me. Now the whole thing about insurance is it’s a negative bet. What your basically doing is saying I bet you £40 a month that some will rob their house, how permistice is that. You might well go into a real betting shop and see what odds they’ll, What odd will you give me on my house burning down, and sod it make it a accumulator with my untimely death, I’m feeling unlucky. (Needs a big audience) Life insurance is the oddest one, you have to be an incredible saint to buy that, and I have really trouble paying to give people a reason to want me dead. What I think would be a better idea say They want 11 pounds a month to have a pay out for £20,000 that means you have odds of 200/1 that you’ll die that month that must mean their giving you odd 200/199 that you will survive out the month so if you bet that 11 pounds that your survive the month you’ll only win £11.65 but that’s far better than any saving account you can find. And it doesn’t matter cos People don’t die anymore they just get smaller and slower. Why the hell is euthanasia illegal. Who are we to tell our elders that they can’t die gracefully. Lets keep everyone alive forever, She’s still a productive member of society look erm her dribble we could use it as industrial lubricant. She’s enjoying life, she watching Trisha reruns, that worth living in arthritis ridden agony for. Hang on in their granny, don’t give in now, you haven’t found out which one of these burbane coated Neanderthals impregnated the Actually I have really guilt trip ever time I say that bit, because
I have this vision in my head of my mum crying as my nana sat their
with a cotton bud trying desperately trying to get poo from between
the treads of my mums precious record collection.
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