Scene three: “You shall not pass” TIME: 1:23 PM 18th May Television: This is Dave, [Sad music] Dave hasn’t had alcohol now for 14 hours. With your help Dave could look like this [sound of Dave being Rowdy] for only £140 a week we can keep a student like Dave in a constant state of inebriation. Students don’t want to live off hand outs, but they really don’t want to work. [Will turns off the television] Will: You want to go play Pool Mark: No I’m doing my dissertation. Where’s Carl can’t you go annoy him? Will: He’s off having sex, loser! Will: Come on then lets play pool and have a couple of pints, it’s just what you need too clear your head. Mark: I’ve got three days to hand this, I’ve got far too much work too do, can’t you just go masturbate or something! Will: Don’t get arsey with me just because I already done all my work and your jealous! Mark: You cheated. Will: I didn’t cheat. Mark: You locked a Asylum seeker in the basement and only fed him for every time he wrote 1000 words. Will: Yes, but he only got 2’2, I could of done better myself therefore it isn’t technical cheating! Mark: Maybe, but it still took the pressure off you. Tell you what
you can do, you can help. Mark: Now, do you think you’re a improvement on your Parents, Do you consider yourself too have evolved? Will: Yep Mark: Can you expand, in what way. Will: Well put it this way when I was a kid, every Sunday my parents would go to the supermarket and leave me in the postman pat car thing out front. They would then spend hours standing by the Reduced food counters for the entire day so that they could get the first chance too grab any of the food as it got reduced. Now this was a two man job, each of them would take one end of the supermarket both standing where they could see a couple of the counters and then running over when ever a staff member would approach. At the end of the day they would have a entire week shopping consisting of all the things no one else wanted and was about to go off. And whilst they were doing this, I was ramming pensioner with shopping trolleys and when the ambulance was gone I ‘inherited’ their fresh quality shopping. Now who do you think is more evolved hunter gather? Mark: Your argument for your supposed evolutionary superiority is that you mugged pensioners and your parents didn’t? [This point the rehearsals that was going on in the background becomes too loud for Mark and will to comfortable talk too each other, they both look over the settee at them: Eve is roaring and making Balrog movements, Julius is dressed as Gandalf ] Julius: I am servant of the secret fire, wieldier of the flame of Anor. You shall not pass. The dark fire will not avail you, flame of Udun. Go back to the shadow! You Shall not pass! [Will stand up walks around the chair and over too Julius] Julius: You shall not pass! [Will knees Julius in the nut, he fall to the floor in pain where Will continues to beat him, Eve walks over to the other chair and starts to talk with Mark] Mark: Eve do you think you’re a improvement on your parents. Eve: O No, their much older than me! Mark: What! [Julius leaves the room grasping his nuts – scene Ends]
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