Scene 10: “and then their was dark”
TIME: 10:00 PM 19 May
Julius: Are you ready for this darling. Remember this is your show no one else’s. Eve: oh yes [Eve nods her head like a nodding dog] Julius: Now first things first, have you got your dress? [Eve produces an Oxfam bag, she empties the contents onto the floor, and a very small dress falls out] Julius: What, is that it, where’s the rest of it’? [Julius is now pointing at the dress in astonishment] Eve: [feebly] Well the woman in the shop said it was perfect, she even offered me a discount. Julius: No, No, No it will never do, you go to Oxfam and you come back with a dolls dress, Oh good God, I can’t get you to do anything. Now lets start the scene, get into position. Eve: [Eve begins her speech in the manner of mystic meg] Oh young Frodo it is thy quest to take the ring and be its bearer on the grounds that it be destroyed in the fires of more doors’ Julius: [he reciprocates with his own interpretation of Frodo] That be the truth oh lady glad. Eve: Now Frodo will you not look into my magic birdbath, it will foretell
your future and the future of the remaining dregs of your now non-existent
fellowship’. [Eve produces a jug filled with water she pours some
into a glass] Eve: [Eve has now really got into her role and is on the verge of becoming too melodramatic] If I took the ring I would become more powerful than I already am and would end up queen of the world, no measly hobbit could destroy me. There I have passed the test, I shall remain Gladriel and head east where I shall live with the animals of farthing wood and dwell in the house of the seven dwarves. Sod the elves. Now sod off. Julius: That was brilliant, you’ve knocked the nail on the head but there is still room for improvement, we will make a dame Judi out of you yet. Eve: [Eve is still stuck in her role and has taken method acting too far]. Would you like a cup of Elvis brew, it is magical and will revive your weary heart. Julius: Ok Eve you can stop now Eve: It was made from drops of dew, from the fields of Rivendale. Julius: No, Eve you can really stop now. You’ve got to repress the inner elf start now show me your Orc! [Eve seems to have trouble losing the Elf and embracing the Orc she caught in strange, split personality fight with herself that is a confused mess of Orc/Elf and herself] Eve: I don’t want your bleeding elf tea, us orcs never drink
Typhoo, Me Orc, Can I eat you, please. I’m more powerful than
you could ever imagine. I a kind of Orc, raaa [Wheeze], I’m going
to eat you. Get out of my wood, I going to eat your precious, And I
would be as beautiful and dangerous as the night is long and now at last it comes You will give the ring to me freely in place
of the dark lord you will set up a queen. And I shall not be dark, but
beautiful and terrible as the morning and the night! Fair as the sea
and the sun and the snow upon the mountain! Dreadful as the storm and
as the lightning ! stronger than the foundations or the earth. Eve: I can smell human, I’m am oraci your eleven fabreeze can’t hurt me! He don’t need his legs does he, You can scream hobbit their not going to elp you. I’ll drown you in my bleeding bird bath. Boil you up with all the animals of farthing wood. Julius: Eve you just seem to get worse, no matter how much of my expert
tutelage I give you, your not getting any closer, your going to ruin
my whole masterpiece. I am now going to go home to prepare for the biggest
embarrassment of my entire life. If you don’t improve dramatically
be assured that I will never and I repeat never work with you again,
NEVER ! Mark: It’s gone the electricity it’s gone he’s cut us off, the barstard! Don’t leave me alone. [Mark hysterically grabs Eve for comfort then pushes her away] DON’T TOUCH ME! Sorry! It’s so quite, soo very quite. Can you just hum or sing or something I can’t stand this silence I never heard it before, I mean I sleep with the television on for god sake. Eve: What am I going to do, My show …. Mark: How do I cook? What do I eat? I’ll starve , I going to die , I’m going to die here, I feel cut of from society! Please just tell me what going on in the world or what songs going to be number one, here try and sell me something, anything I don’t care go on tell me how useless I am and that if I give you money women will want to sleep with me, please! Eve: Your cracking up, Mark! You’re a mess! Mark: That a good start, what do I need to buy then! Eve: Bloody Hell, can’t you go to the library? Mark: It’s 2 days before end of term, the place will be full of Americans looking at porn! The Outside is full of angry jealous Neanderthals their find me and then they’ll follow me back here and make me work for them I can’t risk it! Where the hell is Will I’ll beat the money out of him it out of him! We’ve no heating, We’ll freeze over night without central heating, We need fire! Must find fire! [Mark wanders off stage and Eve goes the other way]
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