Scene Six: “Mr Lover Man”

TIME: 11:00 AM 19th May
[The house is empty. Then Mr Henry climbs through the window and starts to stuff bits and pieces into his pockets. He picks up a couple of cushions from the chairs and goes about trashing the house. Eve then enters and sees Mr Henry skulking around. She watches for a little while trying to pluck up the courage to speak.]

Eve: Hello Mr Henry. [Pause. Mr Henry carries on regardless] Sorry to ask this but what are you doing here? [Pause] Did one of the lads let you in?

Mr H: Nope I let myself in. [Carries on with what he is doing]

Eve: I didn’t hear you come in. What are you looking for? Perhaps I could help you?

Mr H: I’m looking for Will but once again he is conveniently absent. He could at least have the decency to be here when I break in.

Eve: I realise that you are the landlord but you really shouldn’t be breaking in. It’s not very tenant friendly. Say one of us was having a bath or something? You could see any one of us in a state of undress.

Mr H: Well, for a start Will rarely washes and I can barely look at him clothed. Mark times his bath so as he’s in there long enough to fully utilise the bath water and isn’t particularly attractive. Also I’ve been spying on you for ages so there’s nothing I haven’t seen.

Eve: I always had this feeing that someone was watching me. I’ve never been watched by a man before.

Mr H: To be honest with you I’m not surprised.

Eve: My mother always said I should find an older man. Far more respectable and caring, also they have invaluable experience.

Mr H: Not you as well. Listen my last five wives have been younger than me and you ever want is money. Money, money, money, money…. MONEY! Listen could you do me a favour?

Eve: Of course what is it?

Mr H: Will owes me £560 and as he isn’t here to extract from perhaps you could help me find some or even his bank cards, wallets, cheque book etcetera.

Eve: I couldn’t possibly do that. He may owe you money and he is breaking his contract but, he is a friend and I couldn’t possibly betray him.

Mr H: If you don’t help me I’ll have to make you help me and please don’t make me do that. Besides if I don’t find the money the punishment will affect the entire house.

Eve: I’m not sure…

Mr H: Oh for Christ sakes here we go. [Mr Henry starts to hypnotise Eve and seduces her into finding the money]
Right, now find me the money.

Eve: [In a trance] Money…

Mr H: Correct now go on find it

[Eve tries to grope Mr H]

Mr H: Get off woman money first, rumpy-bleeding-pumpy later. [Aside] Nice girl but a bit dim. Go on then.

[Eve and Mr Henry search the house looking for anything remotely valuable. Eve
goes off into Will’s room and comes back with a wallet. Eve picks up the bag of Apples that Mark had been guarding ]

Eve: I found this.

Mar H: Excellent lets have a look. No that’s no good. Neither is that. What the hell is this? Membership to the all England Bondage Club! Funny, I’ve never seen him there. Ah ha! [Holds up a cash card] now I’ve got you.

Eve: Mr Henry I could pay you what you owe with an alternative method of payment…

Mr H: That’s very kind of you but not today. One minute my pants the next minute my wallet. Ummm I forget how to snap women out of it. [Tries clicking] Piff-paff-puff? Wahey? Oh for Christ’s sake woman snap out of it.

[Eve snaps out of the trance]

Eve: I’ve got a splitting headache.

Mr H: You and all the other women in the world. [Mr Henry takes the valuables off Eve including the Bag of Apple but takes one out and shines it and places it into Eve’s hand then he climbs out of the window with all of the stuff he has collected]

Eve: Mr Henry? Where are you? [Disappointingly] Mr Henry, he’s gone. Bastard.

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