Scene Seven: House meeting

TIME: 7:00 PM 19th May
[Will and Eve are set in the front room waiting Mark enters stage left with various props i.e. hose pipe, jar, mirror on a stick etc. He then goes to a chair situated to the right of the sofa. He places his props around the chair and pulls out a list.]

Mark: Welcome to the annual house meeting. As you know we only call these when we need to ¾ or can be arsed. We have a few items on the agenda so I’ll start right away.

First: The Cleaning Rota. I have devised a system that ensures that the house will remain clean week in week out. Yes there’s only a day left to the end of term but that’s not the point.
I shall clean the front room, hallway and kitchen. Eve you will clean Will – thoroughly.

Will: It’ll be a pleasure to work with you.

Eve: Why me? Why can’t Will clean himself?

Will: Listen there are only a few people who can see me naked, and I ain’t one of them.

Mark: Ow to be that naïve again. The man’s LAZY look at him, he doesn’t know how. Besides a woman’s touch will do him good.

Eve: But, I’m an Orc in training!

Mark: Tough, you’re cleaning him. Next on the agenda: cut backs. I’m afraid we’ll all have to make a few personal sacrifices as we are running very low on money. Eve, you will have to cut back on the toilet roll I’m afraid.

Eve: I can’t help it. I wipe and I wipe and I wipe and I wipe and I wipe and I wipe and I wipe. And when you think it’s finished it just keeps coming so I wipe and I wipe and I wipe and I wipe and I wipe, then I’m red raw and I wipe…

Will: Okay we’ve got the message you like to wipe.

Mark: Alternatives are: start the wiping process after you’ve finished the shitting process or use this remarkable contraption I’ve built for you. [Mark brings grabs the hose and holds it up.]
It may seem crude but watch. We have provided you with a mirror so as you can aim effectively. [Mark demonstrates Eve looks unimpressed.]
As you see cheaper and more effective. That’ll cut back on the bog roll in no time.
Will I’m afraid you’ll have to only eat a third of what you already do. That means only eating your own food.

Will: No [whimpering] but I buy shit food your food is far superior.

Mark: I will be cutting down on the number of non-essential electrical items I use namely the fridge and the freezer.

Will: What! The fridge and the freezer?! What about the laptop and mobile phone that’s constantly on charge?

Eve: Yeah, and the television and your stereo and your four alarm clocks, PC, heater, electric blanket…

Will: And not forgetting the fact that you stir your tea and generally bake with your power drill.

Mark: All essential apart from the fridge and freezer. On another financial note the kitty. Now Will, Eve has put five pounds in the kitty and I have put five pounds in the kitty. You on the other hand have put a kitty in the kitty.
[Holds up a jar with a half decomposed kitten in it with its legs sticking out of the top.]
Now if it wasn’t for your own pungent aroma this thing would be driving us crazy.

Will: That my friend is a hundred percent official bonsai cat.

Mark: Final point on the agenda is this. Mr Henry wants the £560 you owe him or he’ll cut off the electricity.

Will: Ok… how long have I got?

Mark: 3 hours.

Will: 3 hours! Why didn’t anybody tell me?

Eve: It’s difficult when you’re down stealing from the church because you’re away for hours.

Will: You knew?

Eve: Oh yes Mr Henry came around to see me earlier, after admitting that he’s been spying on me for ages, then we listened to some music and I helped him find your bank cards. He’s so romantic!

Will: You gave him my bank cards! Forget about that what about the money? What can I do?

Mark: Either pay up or I’ll kill you.

Will: It’s not possible to find that kind of money in 3 hours. [He freezes shocked by the dilemma facing him.]

Mark: Well? Will?

Will: Fuck.

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