Scene One: “Be The Orc”

TIME: 10:11 AM 18th May
[The scene opens with Mark lying on the couch asleep. The TV is on and on it is Dawson’s Creek. After the dialogue has finished we see some fingers appear over the top of the sofa. Then we see the hands disappear and a figure jump from behind the couch to behind the easy chair. The fingers appear again and then a pair of eyes. Suddenly Smeagle/Julius jumps on the arm of the chair and proceeds to hop onto the arm of the couch and crouch over Mark’s head.]

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Julius: Smeagle

Mark: [Startled] Aaaahhhh! You fucking freak get away.

Julius: Master

[Julius then follows Mark as he walks towards the front door SR where he is met by Will who is carrying a cross.]

Mark: Where have you been?

Will: Church

Mark: Why?

Will: I was bored.

[Mark exits leaving Julius and Will.]

Will: Alright Julius still prancing about [Taunts and picks on him]

Julius: No, no, master!

[Julius runs to the end of the couch and Will tips it over and exits SL. Eve enters.]

Eve: Julius? Where are you? Are you okay?

Julius: [Springing up from behind the couch] Look at the state of me! My loincloth is dusty now. [Turns around] Look at that. I don’t know why I bother coming here. Help me put this piece of filth back up.

[Eve comes to the other end of the sofa.]

Julius: No bend from the knees.

Eve: Sorry I forget.

[They pick up the sofa. Eve sits in the easy chair and Julius on the couch.]

Julius: So, how are the Orc exercises going?

Eve: They’re getting there slowly.

Julius: Getting there? Achieving my goal.

Eve: Yes, I’m achieving my goal

Julius: Much better. Now can you show me what you have so far?

Eve: Well, here we go. Huuuuuhhhhhhhhhhh [rather feebly]

Julius: No, no, no, no, no, no, no. It’s more of a Huuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!
With a growl at the back of the throat. Huuuhhh like that.

Eve: Huuuhhhh [coughing and spluttering] It hurts

Julius: Do you think it’s comfortable for them? Remember they may sound asthmatic, but there’s more to that breathing problem then meets the eye. For deep inside they ache, they have a yearning fro something else. What do you think it could be?

Eve: Ummmm, they’re ugly?

Julius: That’s a start, what else?

Eve: Ummmm, they’re lonely?

Julius: You’re getting there; you’ll be a method actor yet. Where were they born?

Eve: At the bottom of a tree.

Julius: Exactly. Lets look at the evidence. They have no official home. They were born at the bottom of a tree with no mother or father. They’re pitifully ugly so even if they wanted a friendly chat, people just run away. They’re subservient as well. From the minute they’re born they’ve be given an axe and told to fight. All they know is a life of servitude. That’s what should be contained within your breathing. Years of angst rolled into one. Go for it.

Eve: Okay. Huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
[Coughing]

Julius: Can you hear that? Can you hear that rustling?

Eve: Yes. But what is it?

Julius: It’s Stanislavski turning in his grave!

Eve: I didn’t mean to upset him. Is he mad? I’m awfully sorry.

Julius: Lets recreate their birth shall we?

Eve: yes

Julius: Right, now put yourself into the foetal position. Really tightly. Now you’re going to be broken free of the repressive chains of reproduction and the minute you’re born an axe is thrust into your hand. I want to see anguish. Action!

[Eve the recreates the birth of an Orc quite pathetically. Every action is small and
Feeble she seems almost embarrassed to be doing it. Perhaps even close to tears. ]

Eve: Well, what do you think?

Julius: NO! That’ll never do. Let me show you how it’s done. [Julius recreates the birth of an Orc very hammily. Eve tries it again, only this time slightly successfully but it’s still quite pathetic. ]

Eve: I really can’t do it. I can’t be an Orc.

Julius: You can’t be an Orc? The most simple and primeval of characters and you can’t do it? What would you like to be then?

Eve: I wouldn’t mind being Gladriel.

Julius: Gladriel. There’s only one person on this planet capable of playing her in the Reduced Lord of the rings! Dame Judi Dench! Stand to attention when I speak that name. Together Dame Judi Dench. You will never be a princess until you can master the lowest of the low. When I’m through with you, you’ll be above all of this Aragon and Frodo nonsense. I’ll make you an Ent! You’ll be top of the tree! Watch me be an Ent! [Ent impression etc] that comes from years of training, not a five-minute exercise. Now you are one of the enemy and I’m a newborn Orc. This is how it should be done. [Recreate the Orc birth and Julius end up beating Eve to the ground hunched over her screaming and yelling. Will then comes in, picks up Julius and throws him down the stairs. ]

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