Scene Nine: “Money” TIME: 8:00 PM 19 May
Will: Teach you to tell me to repent, father whatever your name is. [He sits down and relaxes] Mr H: I’ve come for you William! Will: What? Mr H: Yes William! I’m talking to you? Will: Who is it? Mr H: Some one that you’ve really pissed off lately! Will: … God? Mr H: No you twat! It’s me! [Mr Henry crawls out from one of the armchairs] Will: What the fuck? How…? What…? Mr H: Shut up fat boy! Is that it? Is that were all of my money went? [Rubbing will’s stomach patronizingly, then putting his ear to it.] Hello? Are you in there? [By this point Will is close to killing Henry] Will: [Trying to be polite] What can I do for you Mr Henry? Mr H: Oh I think you know what you can do! You can give me MY GOD DAMN MONEY BITCH! Will: Fuck shit… I need some time … I’ve been … dying actually Mr H: Lucky you, but I fail to see how this possible matters to me. I NEED THE MONEY. Will: and … I … err …. Spent it on a operation Mr H: I don’t care.. Will: That went wrong … and Mr H: YOUR LYING? What kind of operation? how did it go wrong? Will: It was a hysocoromy, hysoroclomy … aye fuck it… a sex change Mr H: What? Will: The doctor died half way though! Mr H: This is CRAP, Give me MY GOD DAMM MONEY! Will: So I’ve been down the church praying for my life! Honestly I’m a born again Christian. Mr H: [starting to panic] I know you’ve got money here somewhere,
what about all your little money making schemes: pressuring the pensioners
for protection money, working as a Michael Jackson impersonator at children
parties, buying internet babies and selling their kidneys on for a profit.
You must have some money somewhere, I NEED IT NOW! [Mr Henry storm off, Will sits down and looks worried moves to the
centre couch to get the he remote control, He turns on the TV and sits
down to ponder his problem.] [Will turns the TV off and then A look of perverse genius spreads across his face. He looks down to the deep fat fryer that Mark had left. He then plugs it in and waits a couple of minutes for it to warm up he then takes a deep breath and puts his face in it, the rest of his body starts to convulse in pain at this mark walks on and stands directly in front of him masking him to the audience so as during his speech will can put some stage make up on.] Mark: Will, what the hell are you doing? You supposed to be getting that money for Mr Henry not trying to commit suicide. You are so bloody self-centred. I mean if you really are going to kill your self via deep fat fryer do it after you’ve found that money. Will. Will. If you commit suicide I’m still going to kill you, Are you even listening to me? You are such a twat! [He walks of stage] [Will takes his face out of the deep fat fryer and sits back on the settee surprisingly calm for some one who has just fried their face and with the same kind of strange composure he gets out his phone and dials a number.] Voice: Hello Maims Direct, Melanie speaking, what is the nature of the accident? Will: I DEEP FAT FRIED MY FACE!
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