Scene four: The Landlord from Hell

TIME: 7:00 PM 18th May
[Mark is lying on the couch watching TV. He just lays there in silence when he hears a door knock OSR. He goes to answer the door and disappears OS briefly. Mr Henry enters SL form another room and runs across all of the furniture, tables etc and then jumps on the couch and lies flat out. Ed re-enters.]

Mark: [Rather belatedly] Hello Mr Henry

Mr H: You should be careful about leaving your windows open anybody could break in. But enough of insurance claims how are we?

Mark: [Sitting down] Fine but why are you here?

Mr H: Do you know what the date is?

Mark: It’s the 18th May

Mr H: Good boy and do you know what that means?

Mark: No

Mr H: The Rents Overdue!

Mark: But I’ve paid and so has Eve

Mr H: I know that you and the freak girl have, but old chuckle butt Will hasn’t.

Mark: So why are you discussing this with me? It’s not my problem I can’t make him pay.

[Will enters SL. Mark sees him]

Mark: Will ¾ you be staying long?

[Will falls to the floor and slide across on his back out of sight of Mr H. and Mark SR.]

Mr H: As long as it takes to extract cold hard cash from any one of you. Besides Will is never around when I’m in so I might as well use his boyfriend to pass on this message. Either pay me the £560 he owes or I’ll cut off your electricity.

Mark: You can’t do that.

Mr H: I can when I’m desperate for cash. I suggest you read your contract again

Mark: You can’t just cut off our electricity, we have rights you know.

Mr H: You’re students you have no rights! I need the money and cutting off the electricity works best. I cut off the water from No. 4. Even though they were dirty they still had the telly so they were happy. But if I cut off the electricity, being clean is no substitute for television.

Mark: We need the tele – we need light and computers so as I can finish off my dissertation and Verity and find her inner Orc. You’ll make me fail my degree just for money.

Mr H: Yes [fighting Mark to the floor] it’s not just any money it’s maintenance money. 6 ex-wives, 20 children all of them girls and women don’t earn their own money. They’re habitually lazy creatures, they even want half of my pension each. I NEED THE MONEY!!!!!!

Mark: You’re a bloody loony. You need therapy.

Mr H: I would if I had £560.

Mark: You need some serious help.

[At this time whilst Mr H is sat on Mark, Eve comes in dressed as an Orc]

Eve: Aaahh [Quite feebly]

Mr H: Excuse me. No, that’s not how you do an Orc. This is how you do an Orc. AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!

[Eve runs off scared and Mark slides away from Mr H]

Mark: I don’t know where Will is; I think he’s out helping the poor and needy of the world again.

Mr H: You have 24 hours before I cut off your electricity.

Mark: We’ll get you the money.

Mr H: I hope so, and just as an extra incentive I shall remove a few items for a deposit of sorts. Starting with this [Takes the cushion of the easy chair] till tomorrow ladies.

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