Scene five: Eve’s Diary

TIME: 8:00 PM 18th May
[Will is sitting on the settee centre stage surrounded by bags of crisps and plates of half eaten food looking through what seems to be a pink journal.]

Eve VO: January 17th: It was a fair day today. Mark was as ever engrossed in his media I some times wonder if it is so healthy for a person to sleep with a blender. William tells me that…

Will: She calls me William, fuck she even writes like nerd

Eve VO: William tells me that Mark is a technophile, which apparently means that he molests electrical devices and that should he be confronted about this he would then molest me, with an electrical appliance. William says that all we can do is hope, pray and sterilize all of the appliances twice a week. It’s a hard job but Marks is a friend after all. On a happier note I started work on the reduced version of lord of the rings today and…

Will: boring
[He flips forward a few pages and begins to read again.]

Eve VO: January 18th. I just can’t believe it. How could he do this? I really thought he was a friend. I could forgive him selling pictures of me in the shower to the art students and I could forget about him putting speed in my porridge but this just won’t do I have never been so ashamed in all of my life. Never have I been so demeaned. Never so cheapened. Never so…

Will: yada yada yada

Eve VO: I just can’t believe he would line all of my sanitary products with Tabasco sauce. It feels like my crotch is melting and not in the good way like Mr Henry makes me feel

Will: What the fuck, this requires investigation [He flicks forward…]

Eve VO: January 20th. Mr Henry is coming round today. He rang last night and as I picked up the phone and heard his somewhat grating yet smoothly seductive voice it made me melt like butter I can feel it washing over me seeping into my every pour and orifice I can…

Will: Getting a bit too excited. Will remember it’s Eve…. Ok [He flicks a little further on.]

Eve VO: I don’t know what it is about Mr Henry, I know he smells like sulphur and when ever he comes near me my eyes water, but there just something about him. Maybe it the way his scalp looks as though it’s covered with a layer of yellow wax, or maybe the way his nails look like he’s clawed his way out of a coffin after being buried alive. What ever it is I just can’t resist him. Soon. Yes soon I shall make my move and then he shall be mine. No one else’s. Yes all mine. Soon, soon, soon.

Will: Now that is fucked up.

Mark: [He walks in and looks at Will in disgust.] Nice to see you’ve finally found a rubbish dump that suits your tastes. Did the decorating take you long or did you pay a little extra and half it pre furnished.

Will: No I just filmed your mom having sex with a goat and used the money I made selling it on the internet and moved right in!

Mark: Ha ha very droll!

Will: And scarily true!

Mark: What’s that?

Will: A Diary.

Mark: I didn’t know you kept a diary; then again I didn’t know you could read!

Will: Of course I can, I would never of found your mom in bestiality weekly if I couldn’t and besides it’s not mine.

Mark: Who’s is it?

Will: I think it’s your mom’s.

Mark: What?

Will: [Supposedly reading from the diary] Today I had sex with a goat again and maybe I’ll do it again tomorrow… yeah that sounds like your mom.

Mark: Who’s is it really?

Will: [He gives an evil grin] Eve’s. I stole it when she was plucking her nose hair.

Mark: Will I can’t believe you. You have really sunken low this time don’t you have any morals?

Will: I wouldn’t even know where to check for them!

Mark: [A bit of a pause] Can I read it?

Will: Mark I can’t believe you. You have really sunken low this time don’t you have any morals? What’s it worth?

Mark: What do you mean?

Will: What have you got I might want?

Mark: I don’t know.

Will: How much you got on you?

Mark: [Looking in his wallet] About eight quid.

Will: That’ll do.

Mark: I’m not giving you money to read Eve’s diary. I could just take it off you.

Will: Could you indeed.

Mark: Ok here’s the money.

Will: [Exchanging the Diary with the money] Nice doing business with you.

[Mark sits down on the sofa where will was and begins to read and will leaves as Eve enters. And sees him with her diary she runs up and snatched it from his hands, he looks up and realises who it is and begins to try to explain but Eve cuts him short.]

Eve: I can’t believe this; I thought you were my friend. I would expect this of Will but I hoped for more from you Mark. I’m so upset. I’m going to go and write this in my diary.[She runs off stage.]

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