GLASS DESTROYED IN BAR

Onlookers almost stood in silence last Friday night as disaster struck the Edge Hill student union bar in Lancashire. The serene family atmosphere so beloved by it’s locals soon turned to carnage as what can only be described as “a pint glass” collided with what experts say can only be described as “the floor”.

The fated receptacle (known locally as Phil) was later described by those who knew him best as a “lager than life” character who could “hold his drink”. Comparisons were immediately drawn with a similar incident back in September 1986 when some punters were seen, entirely unprovoked, walking peanuts into the carpet.
The Edge Hill rugby team are said to be taking very seriously, fears that the culprit, who was nowhere to be found after the attack, would choose the male toilets as his next target. Some students,

Meanwhile, are refusing to even leave their rooms in fear of this motiveless radical.In a touching tribute on the following Sunday, 24 Edge Hill regulars stood silently as they were lowered into an industrial hot wash in order to remove the lipstick. Kenny has ordered that as a precaution, anyone seen within 3 feet of an empty beer glass will, for the moment, be beaten to within an inch of their life. The consumption of all drinks has been prohibited indefinitely.