How do personality tests work?
Everybody has their own unique personality that effects the way they are motivated, both financially and socially. Career personality tests are, at their heart, a very basic concept, and one that’s been used since before the Iron Age. Back then, children would line-up outside what then resembled a sort of straw shed, to find out whether their destiny was to be found courageously fighting Saxons outside a tavern, or quietly strangling geese beside the local swamp. Appropriate vocations were assigned arbitrarily using a combination of mystical dwarfs and branding irons.

Now, however, a combination of third-world labour and second-hand laptops means we can calculate your perfect career with such accuracy that failing to take a career personality test can mean all the difference between becoming Senior Taster at Walnut Smoothie Incorporated, and winding up outside the Cat and Spanner with a dented face courtesy of someone with Saxon lineage.

Using the raw data from your test results, our team of experts will cross analyze your different personality aspects to form a definitive personality profile. This profile is discussed and debated by a room full of psychology graduates and careers advisers (all with extensive first-hand experience regarding the perils of choosing the wrong career path) before their conclusions and synopsis is finally loaded up on the screen in front of your sweaty little face. All in just under a second.

Why Walnut Smoothie?
Deciding whether or not to put something in your mouth can be as important a choice as, say, working out the best way to advance your career; and that’s where Walnut Smoothie comes in. Not in a sexual way, like actually coming into your open mouth, but in much more of a ‘sponsoring this career personality test’ kind of way. You see, unlike some other snacks companies we could mention, here at Walnut Smoothie we check each and every one of our delicious whipped cream and chocolate smoothies for 218 different types of insect. Which is why, when you insert a delicious Walnut Smoothie between your cheeks and start to masticate, you can be sure it won’t contain assorted tarantula parts or a couple of dead woodlice or gnats if you’d even spot them.

As such, we can safely say that unlike most of our competitors (to whom we regularly mail chocolates that deliberately contain live and dangerous insects) no one has ever died horribly from unwittingly purchasing a Walnut Smoothie that, on oral inspection, was found to harbour some kind of fucking crazy mutant earwig with nine legs and like six giant teeth that poke right out of its ugly-ass face and a fucking gun even. Man that shit bitch would fucking nail your ass right there and no mistake. Of course you’d be all like “I’ll give you fucking cash man, what do you want from me!?!” but we’d like brainwash it not to take bribes and it’d be all like “CHOMP CHOMP BUZZ CHOMP STING ROOOOOARRR!” before you could even get a refund.

*Your ultimate destiny is owned by Walnut Smoothie Inc, and you love it.

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